Author: Crazy Legs

“Eggs” are considered part of a healthy breakfast and must be added to nearly every baked recipe in the kitchen. You feed “eggs” to your friends and family often. But what part of the food pyramid are they?

A simple fool once told me that they believed that “eggs” were a part of the dairy group. This is a more common misconception than one would assume. This is because “eggs” are usually bought from the grocery store in the dairy section. But everybody knows that the source of all dairy products is the nipple. “Eggs” normally come from a chicken and from personal experience, chickens do not have nipples big enough to plop out an “egg”. In fact, they do not have nipples at all. Chickens actually poop the “eggs” out of their anus. (This fact has been confirmed. Chickens lay “eggs”, poop, and urine out of the same hole.)

The United States Department of Agriculture classifies “eggs” as a part of the meat group. This is a logical placement due to the fact that “eggs” are essentially really young baby chickens. But of course, this is an incorrect grouping for this “food”. This is due to the fact that there is a far better option to group these things.

The next step of my research journey took me to the fats and oils group. This is because during a recent research session, the innards of an “egg” had been leaked all over me. Due to the oily touch and texture of the liquid, I had wrongfully believed that this would be the proper grouping for it. That was, of course, until I found out about the grain group.

For many people, the Grain Group is considered the big dick swinging bully of the food pyramid. That is the truth. Taking up the entirety of the bottom row of the pyramid, the grain group would straight up ice the rest of the groupings in a fight. With such volume needed each day, the grain group surely would house such a common every day “food” such as the “egg”. This seemed more and more plausible after it was discovered that grain enters the chicken via the beak and “eggs” leave via the anus. Therefore the “egg” must be the final form of grain. Such as how a single seed can transform into an ear of corn. But that is not the way digestion and transmutation work. There is some sort of dark magic that occurs within the chicken to transform the grain. Science has not found us any definite answers yet but as far as we know, the chicken stomach contains a small melting cauldron that transforms the grain into the things we call “eggs”. The only two options remaining are the fruit group and the vegetable group.

Researching into the fruit group, I discovered that fruits are technically seed bearing structures that develop from plants. Chickens are not technically plants so therefore “eggs” are not fruits.

The final group does not seem promising based on the analysis of the fruit group. But we can compare “eggs” to foods that are very well known as vegetables such as potatoes. Potatoes and “eggs” are actually very similar. Both are an oblong shape, neither one has a developed brain nor can either one move on its own. For culinary uses both “foods” have many uses and can be eaten in many ways. Potatoes can be eaten as fries, chips, tater tots, or even just as a baked potato. “Eggs” can be eaten deviled, over easy, scrambled, or simply just hard boiled. One may think that there are far more reasons “eggs” and potatoes are different than similar. But, this final point proves beyond any doubt that “eggs” should be classified as vegetables. Potatoes when left in a warm, humid environment can grow new potatoes from the original central potato. “Eggs” when left in a warm, humid environment can grow baby chickens which in turn can produce more “eggs” all from the original central “egg”.

With non refutable evidence such as seen above, “eggs” and potatoes must be in the same group and because potatoes are indisputably members of the vegetable group, “eggs” must be technically considered vegetables.