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Formal in college is just high school homecoming without the parental supervision. I know most of you drank and hooked up in during homecoming anyway, but formal is on another level.

1. Girlfriend or Boyfriend

Now, when I say girl you can interchange that will boy just for simpler writing I’m going to type girl. This date is just a form of a weekend get away for the both of them. The closest thing I can compare this to is parents getting a hotel for the weekend. If they request their own room you know they are hooking up that night.

2. Girl you meet that semester

This could be the most exciting and the biggest let down. Spending time with the person before formal gives you a sense of what to expect. If you are already hooking up, you can look to spice is up in the bed room; its always ass eating season. If you aren’t hooking up look to make a move. Maybe you open doors that show you the best sexual experience of your life. Formal brings out spontaneous sexual freaks.

3. Friend of a Friend

This one is short. If you are looking for some basic casual sex then this is your pick. You don’t want to be the laughing stock of the house for the next semester, so I wouldn’t tell her you have a piss fetish. Maybe you friend is taking a girl and she wants to bring a friend. Also, you can just black out if you want to. Very low expectations on both sides. If you do end up having sex, you will definitely be having sex with your friend and their date in the room. Who knows maybe you will be having sex at the same time?

4. Freshman

If you are a freshman, what better way to dive head first into an all you can drink extravaganza. Take another freshman. Most of you probably don’t know how to close so just take a breather and control that weiner or kitty Kat. Another way to be the laughing stock of the night is to be caught with a boner on the party bus. Drink that boner away and just enjoy the party. This is pretty much you reliving high school homecoming, except you can show your true self and not be an awkward fuck.

5. Solo

Drink away. If you are lucky you can steal (shark) the date of freshman, which is probably one of the funniest things to do during a formal.

(Disclaimer: Assuming all participants are 21 and over)

So about two days ago, I was at Dairy Queen and the gentleman at the counter accidentally spilled my smoothie as he was handing it to me. I was pissed, that was my hard earned drink. Want to know what I did in my outrage? I’ll give you two options: 1) I accepted his apology and enjoyed my drink or 2) I went back to my instincts as a primate and threw shit at the man. Still don’t know? I can make it easier. I did one of these and on the same day a woman at a Tim Horton’s did the other.

 

To save everyone some time, I did some research on this video myself. Apparently this happened about a day or two ago when some woman had a bit of a disagreement with an employee at a Tim Horton’s. If you aren’t familiar with what a Tim Horton’s is, picture a Dunkin Donuts with the kindness of a Chick-fil-A but in Canada. Usually Canadians are pretty nice people which makes me scared to even wonder what could have happened to make someone slightly angry with a Tim’s employee much less angry enough to go ahead and drop trou right in the middle of the restaurant and then proceed to throw it at another human being. But we don’t know the full story, for all we know this was a tryout to be the new pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays. If you combine the insane willpower she must have in order to drop a doucette on command like that with the cannon that she calls an arm, she would definitely go in the first 3 rounds of the MLB Draft. Even though she took a dump on a public floor, we have to remember that she is a classy woman. Even with all of the emotions and quick innovative thinking that she was doing, she remembered to wipe. I woman with class like that is the kind of woman I would bring home to mom and dad.