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The Chronicles of Kevin: Finding the Perfect Pledge

by Crazy Legs, posted in Story Time, The Chronicles of Kevin

After years of pledge classes that couldn’t keep up with the standards that our older guys set, we finally found a pledge that I could be proud to say is one of the brothers. This kid Kevin was the full package, any time he walked into a room he pulled the entire crowd’s attention, women loved him, and he had a full chest of hair. He even claimed that he once fought Leonardo DiCaprio, we aren’t fully sure how true that is but nobody wants to fuck with him. He was by far the most alpha man in the entire house even as a pledge. The most unique thing about this kid was that HE IS A FUCKING BEAR!!!

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We first met Kevin when we heard a commotion in the backyard. It sounded like there was a large raccoon or something going through our trash. Much to our surprise there was a damn bear going through the cooler left out from the darty. We thought he might be looking for food but it turns out he was putting down a full Natty can in about 2 seconds flat. After watching him down the better half of a case our rush chairman introduced himself and offered him a bid. With a mighty roar we knew we had the best pledge out of any other house.

The night we first met Kevin was considered a tryout for the team. Ever since we got him on our case race team we have gone undefeated and I’m pretty sure one of the assholes from across the street even shit his pants after Kevin glared him down after downing 12 beers.

It’s one thing to have signed a bear as a pledge, but now we needed proof. And what better proof than the composites. As a bear, Kevin didn’t know how to tie a tie or properly wear a suit and he definitely did not want to learn. In order to get him in the composite we made the other pledges dress him up and he fought back hard. We lost 2 of them and now the pledge pit in the backyard is getting a bit full, but at least Kevin was looking like a true part of the house.

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I want the Golden Knights to Win!!

by Goose, posted in Uncategorized

UP 3-1 in the Conference Finals. Some people, who are stupid, are saying this looks stupid for the NHL that an expansion team could make it this far in the playoffs. This is the best thing for the NHL. People wouldn’t care if it was a team from Canada. Just the neighbors up north that come out of the womb with skates on. It would just come down to yeah Canadian teams should need up in the Stanley Cup. Now, Vegas is probably the most fun you will have as an adult. Just think of the after parties in Vegas after they win this series.

People just need to shut up and enjoy the Golden Knights playoff perfection. I don’t think there is a better place to win a Stanley Cup. Just think of all the gross places that Cup will be within the first 48 hours. It might have more STD then a ASU college student. I just feel bad for the players under 21. I’m sure the veterans can drop you off at a day/nightcare.

The 5 Types of Formal Dates Explained

by Goose, posted in Uncategorized

Formal in college is just high school homecoming without the parental supervision. I know most of you drank and hooked up in during homecoming anyway, but formal is on another level.

  1. Girlfriend or Boyfriend

Now, when I say girl you can interchange that will boy just for simpler writing I’m going to type girl. This date is just a form of a weekend get away for the both of them. The closest thing I can compare this to is parents getting a hotel for the weekend. If they request their own room you know they are hooking up that night.

2. Girl you meet that semester

This could be the most exciting and the biggest let down. Spending time with the person before formal gives you a sense of what to expect. If you are already hooking up, you can look to spice is up in the bed room; its always ass eating season. If you aren’t hooking up look to make a move. Maybe you open doors that show you the best sexual experience of your life. Formal brings out spontaneous sexual freaks.

3. Friend of a Friend

This one is short. If you are looking for some basic casual sex then this is your pick. You don’t want to be the laughing stock of the house for the next semester, so I wouldn’t tell her you have a piss fetish. Maybe you friend is taking a girl and she wants to bring a friend. Also, you can just black out if you want to. Very low expectations on both sides. If you do end up having sex, you will definitely be having sex with your friend and their date in the room. Who knows maybe you will be having sex at the same time?

4. Freshman

If you are a freshman, what better way to dive head first into an all you can drink extravaganza. Take another freshman. Most of you probably don’t know how to close so just take a breather and control that weiner or kitty Kat. Another way to be the laughing stock of the night is to be caught with a boner on the party bus. Drink that boner away and just enjoy the party. This is pretty much you reliving high school homecoming, except you can show your true self and not be an awkward fuck.

5. Solo

Drink away. If you are lucky you can steal (shark) the date of freshman, which is probably one of the funniest things to do during a formal.

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(Disclaimer: Assuming all participants are 21 and over)

Word of the Day!!!

by Goose, posted in Uncategorized, UrbanDictionary Word of the Day

Open Barrel- when you pour wine into your asshole and let it breathe for 5 minute then pour it into a glass and drink it as normal. May also be referred to as Browned and Aged Pinot-Noir.

I’m a little late on this since Wine Wednesday was yesterday, so you degenerates will have to wait until next week. This will give you time to think about what $6 bottle of wine will feel the best on your asshole. I’m not as big of a wine expect as Lebron James, but I’m sure this will bring out all the flavor notes. Cherry, nutty, earthy, are the major flavor notes that will hit your taste buds. After giving it a nice swirl in your mouth, you might noice notes of skin. Dwyane wade MIGHT have enjoyed some bottles of open barrel after getting shit pumped by the 76sixers. Let me know how this plays out might need to spice things up on Wine Wednesdays.

 

 

This Woman Found a Unique and Effective Way to Complain about Service

by Crazy Legs, posted in Uncategorized

So about two days ago, I was at Dairy Queen and the gentleman at the counter accidentally spilled my smoothie as he was handing it to me. I was pissed, that was my hard earned drink. Want to know what I did in my outrage? I’ll give you two options: 1) I accepted his apology and enjoyed my drink or 2) I went back to my instincts as a primate and threw shit at the man. Still don’t know? I can make it easier. I did one of these and on the same day a woman at a Tim Horton’s did the other.

 

To save everyone some time, I did some research on this video myself. Apparently this happened about a day or two ago when some woman had a bit of a disagreement with an employee at a Tim Horton’s. If you aren’t familiar with what a Tim Horton’s is, picture a Dunkin Donuts with the kindness of a Chick-fil-A but in Canada. Usually Canadians are pretty nice people which makes me scared to even wonder what could have happened to make someone slightly angry with a Tim’s employee much less angry enough to go ahead and drop trou right in the middle of the restaurant and then proceed to throw it at another human being. But we don’t know the full story, for all we know this was a tryout to be the new pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays. If you combine the insane willpower she must have in order to drop a doucette on command like that with the cannon that she calls an arm, she would definitely go in the first 3 rounds of the MLB Draft. Even though she took a dump on a public floor, we have to remember that she is a classy woman. Even with all of the emotions and quick innovative thinking that she was doing, she remembered to wipe. I woman with class like that is the kind of woman I would bring home to mom and dad.

Urban Dictionary Word of the Day!

by Goose, posted in Uncategorized, UrbanDictionary Word of the Day

“LDC” aka “Little Dick Clique”

In another term, LDC is a members only club. I don’t know the qualification in which to join this club, but I would say anything under 4 strong, throbbing inches grants you access into this prestigious members only club. Now this club has no benefits other then being a proud member. I guess one benefit is that a girl would never stop having sex with you because it hurts. Now that could go both ways, she leaves or she loves that you aren’t big or average because you can have sex continuously. I’m not a gynecologist but I’m 60% sure that a small dick creates less friction meaning sex can last longer before her  labia begin to become sore. If she stays with you, at least you know she likes your personality. On that note, be a proud member of the LDC.

“The LDC is having a meeting today discusses the motion of the ocean. Bring your rhythm!!”

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UrbanDictionary Word of the Day!

by Goose, posted in Uncategorized, UrbanDictionary Word of the Day

Doucette – A word used to describe the act of shitting by a female.

For what I was taught women don’t shit, they poop and they poop rainbows and unicorns. This word gives your girlfriend a passive aggressive way to tell you she just fucked up your toilet. It sounds cute and innocent based on my understanding of women’s doucettes (shits). If I have to use this word, females who are taking doucettes probably alter your nose and taste buds. The first time a girl takes a doucette and you happen to walk in during or for the aftermath, good luck looking at her the same way for the next couple hours. Unless, you are into that doucette.

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